The Urbz: Sins in the City
by Fel008
Summary: Hey. This cartridge was tampered with.
1. So, You Wanna Be A Doctor?

"No! The bone! It's bone and bone_ then_ brain!" Dr. Maximilian Moore aggressively shook a dripping wet femur, stinking of formaldehyde in front of The Player's face. "We're gonna lose him!"

"It's a plastic doll…why do you yell every time?" The Player said with tension, her hand shaking.

A long beep indicated flatlining. The gnome on the table was dead. "Sonofabitch! We lost him!" Maximilian threw the gnome across the room, shattering it into pieces. They fell onto a growing pile of gnome bits. "I always lose my patients...and my patience, with you!" He pointed at The Player with a snarl.

"Okay, give me the 'moleons please." The Player outstretched her hand. "Aren't I like at level 5 yet?'" She nudged her head toward the pile of bits.

Maximilian whipped his body to face the Player. "You're a horrible surgeon! I'm going to fire you!" Spit droplets hit her face as he yelled. He pulled at his afro and groaned, leaning against a wall.

There was a pause. A calm musical jingle echoed in the halls. Maximilian stood up. "Congratulations, you've been promoted to head surgeon!" He gave The Player a thumbs-up and smiled as though he won the lottery. His eyes were still red with rage. She smiled back, oblivious.

"Yeah!" The Player said as she took the coins. "I'm gonna be a real surgeon one day!" Her eyes sparkled.

She turned to leave but Max placed a hand on her shoulder and squeezed. His voice was low and his breath tickled her neck. "If you ever say that again, I will cut off your legs and sew them on to Broadsheet."

His friendship points dropped to -45. The contents of her bladder dropped into her pants.

She left the hospital screaming and hopped on to her motorbike. "Still smells of Hogg's arse." she said to herself. She drove around town and every time she passed someone, they gagged. "Man, this bike reeks of the big guy; I really need to clean it."

As she got closer to her little place to squat, the man who sold trinkets outside her place coughed.

"You smell!" He snapped. They never got along.

"Get a real job!" She drove closer to him until he ran off like a rat and climbed up the drain pipe. "Yeah, I'm a doctor!" She shook her fist at him.

She slid off her bike. She knew that wasn't true. "Hobo."

She glanced at the items the man left behind. There was chocolate for days.

She opened the box and smelled it. "Same ones ol' Knick Knack Patty Whack used to sell. Smells of obesity and caramel." She shoved them into her pockets, skillfully fitting them in with that couch she always carried around in there.

* * *

Later that evening, she sat on the steps outside and began to eat the chocolates. She wanted to become a surgeon ever since she played doctor with Giuseppi Mezzoalto once. She didn't understand why he was so upset when she tried to cut his stomach open like a real practitioner. He didn't even let her operate on the 'blue balls' he said he then had.

The creaking of wheels made her turn to face its source. "Hey, Player!" It was Lincoln Broadsheet. "Why so glum, chum?" He parked beside her.

"I want to become a surgeon." She began, "But Dr. Maximilian told me he'd cut my legs off and sew them on you if I said that again." The Player pouted and cradled her chin into her hands before blowing a raspberry in childish disappointment.

"What? Wow, rude." Lincoln furrowed his brow. "I'd rather eat my own wheels than have him touch me, like seriously fu-" He stopped and remembered the game's E rating. "Fork that guy." He nudged her playfully but fell from his wheelchair.

The Player tried to hoist him back up. She struggled to lift him even a little. "Sorry, but a body of only 5 can't lift these beefy biceps." Lincoln selected the brag option on his end and winked.

He crawled back into his chair with ease. "You know, I was going to the university. If you want to become a surgeon you have to start studying." The Player smiled at his support. After a second, she frowned.

"D'oh. It's uncomfortable in that place." she muttered real close to Lincoln's ear, "I used to date the professor and it's awkward as heck." Lincoln gave her a blank, unimpressed expression. "Yeah but he's with Polly Amourous now." The Player gagged. "Ugh no, she makes things worse." The Player then protested further, "Besides, my, uh, hunger meter is very low!"

Lincoln tugged The Player into his lap. "Then feed on knowledge." Lincoln wheeled forward. "I'm not having some chump treat people like dirt just because he can save lives. Do you know how many lives journalism has saved?"

The Player looked at Lincoln, "None?"

Lincoln nodded firmly. "Exactly! And he tells me every day! I'm sick of it!" He spat on the ground in disrespect.

"Sorry about the pee in my pants." The Player said when she selected the apologize option. "Huh? No worries," Lincoln replied, "I know a thing or two about wetting my pants." The Player smiled and enjoyed the warm feeling of a +3 friendship increase. Maybe that was really the damp stains between them.

They entered the university. Filled with literal NPCs, the placed reeked of body odour, fat fold stench, hair dye and radical feminism. Ah, a true safe space.

The Player hopped off Lincoln's lap. As soon as her foot hit the floor when she walked forward, she crashed into another body. A slow, heavy breath filled The Player's nostrils with the scent of Doritos and Mountain Dew. "Excuse me," a barely effeminate voice said, "Do you have permission to be here?" The Player looked up. Drool trickled down the protruding lips of the creature above her, falling on the The Player's nose.

"Polly," The professor said, his smooth voice taming the beast, "Leave her alone. You know she's allowed to sit through a lecture."

Polly Nomial stepped back. Her vision now less focused on The Player, she saw Lincoln. "Ah, live long and prosper fellow Nerdie!" She gave him the Vulcan salute, which he returned. She trotted toward him and placed a thin leg up to his face. He exhaled with closed eyes, an expression of a man all too familiar with her actions. He took her ankle into his hands and a light, timid peck graced her foot.

"My Nerdie Queen." He formally addressed her.

The professor saw his chance. He placed his arm around the player's shoulder and walked her toward his office. "Please come back to me. Let's get out of here. We can go back to SimValley and live in that mansion like old times." Something about his mannerisms alarmed The Player. Beads of sweat formed on his forehead and his grin grew trembling and desperate.

"Daschell, I can't. I couldn't handle your fickle nature. One minute my kisses were a form of art for you and the next you only kissed supermodels!" The Player shook her head.

"I was wrong, my love. I was so wrong." Daschell was a dramatic man by nature, but this was getting ridiculous.

Before The Player could select another topic to speak about, hands slid up the professor's torso. One crawled down his shirt and pinched a nipple. "Time to teach the class, professor," Polly licked his ear, slobber sticking to his neck like slime trailing from a slug.

The professor smiled with a pain behind his eyes. "Help." He mouthed to The Player as Polly grinded on his hips.

The player only gave her ex a flat, unamused glare. He was on his own here.

* * *

By the end of the lecture, The Player looked no more encouraged than before. Lincoln was waiting for her, looking at past graduate photos. Someone always stuck a drawing of a stapler on his face. He huffed and peeled it off. He then popped a wheelie and turned to her. "Hey! You don't look so great. The professor just said you earned a skill point!" He rubbed his chin, "Although I'd understand if you missed that. He spoke so fast before he fell to his knees and cried."

The Player selected the option to cry, too.

Lincoln's eyes opened wide. "What's all this about?" He sounded like her ex just then, except Daschell tended to pronounce 'this' as 'thus'. Weird. The Player rubbed her eyes. "I won't ever be a surgeon with elective courses. I don't even have a BSc!"

Lincoln frowned. "Don't be like that! You have to believe in yourself! Look!" He spun around. "My wife left me when I lost my ability to walk. But that didn't stop me from finishing my masters studies and becoming the man I am today!" The Player smiled at that. "Well, I can always be a nurse. It's still better than operating on gnome dolls." She nodded and left the university. Lincoln sat there, mouth agape. "Gnomes?"

The painful sound of flesh on glass made Lincoln flinch. "I still love you…" The Professor whispered while rubbing the window staring at The Player. Lincoln slowly wheeled the heck out of that place.

A small crowd of students congregated around a shady bloke. Cocking his head, Lincoln wheeled toward it with concern and curiosity.

"Lincoln, look! Giuseppi is selling term papers!" The player tugged his collar. "And some can get me an M.D.!" She hopped around and clapped. Lincoln shook his head. "That's not the way to succeed." The Player stopped jumping in glee. "Yeah you're right." She rubbed her eyes. "I can play this world without cheats. Besides, I'd best turn in for the night; my pet needs to be fed, too."

She turned to Lincoln. "Thank you, Lincoln, for all your help." The Player selected the kiss option.

"No! This feels like a sting! Where's the camera?" Lincoln refused her advance and shoved her aside in disgust.

The two suddenly jumped; a man's loud imitation of a police vehicle startled everyone around. A few puddles grew on the floor. "Wee woo, wee woo!Hey! Mezzoalto! You can't have that van!" A megaphone amplified the voice of detective Dan D. Mann. "Wee woo! Wee woo!" His fatigued breaths were audible though the device as he ran.

"Piss off, pig!" Giuseppi yelled, pulling his nostrils up to resemble a swine's. His voice broke up the crowd of students around him. A fight was sure to start so they scattered, pants soiled. Giuseppi flung his arms into the air. "Ya made me lose my sales, ya fat fuck!"

Lincoln squealed like a girl when Giuseppi completely ignored the game's E-rating.

Dan D. Mann began to throw a tantrum and fell to the ground. Illegal sales, stolen vans, crowds peeing in public and swearing was just too much. The insult option now had him to the ground, defeated.

"That rivals my 3 year old." Lincoln said as he watched.

In the distance, a new challenger appeared and ran toward Giuseppi. He roared. "You can't sell those! I am _sick_ of getting plagiarized papers!"

It was Maximilian. The Player glared at him before stepping inside her home. She had enough of him. "Bye, Lincoln. I'm going to bed. My sleep meter is low, and my shit-taking meter is fed up." Lincoln could not even wave good bye before she was gone.

Giuseppi simply gave the doctor the finger, barely making eye contact. "Beep boop. Robot noises and stuff."

"What?" Maximilian snapped in response.

Giuseppi rolled his eyes and flicked a cigarette to the ground. He made no effort to stomp it out. "It means fuck you, man." The glow of the cigarette was nothing compared to the doctor's red hot fury.

Unlike the pathetic Detective Dan D. Mann, Maximilian was no toddler in an adult's body. He always selected the intimidate option.

"Give me those papers or I'll gut you and sell your organs!" He leapt toward Giuseppi like an animal.

Giuseppi jumped out of the way; Maximilian struck the van and was stunned on the street.

It took Maximilian a few moments to recover; by the time he was stable, it was too late. He heard an engine. Muffled by the loud humming of the van, he also heard laughter.

Giuseppi carelessly backed his van up in an attempt to flee. His radio was blaring so loudly he was unable to hear the screams of the only doctor in town…who now needed a doctor. "Damn speed bumps." He grumbled to himself having selected the complain option.

* * *

"My legs! M-my legs! I cannot feel them!" Maximilian wailed into the city night skies. Awakened pigeons flew to the roofs. Their coos were haunting, like omens.

A slow mechanical creaking added to the eerie atmosphere. A shadow creeped over the doctor; squinting, he eventually gained focus on its source.

Lincoln towered over the man.

"Oh! Broadsheet! Thank goodness! Help me! I'll need a wheelchair...l-like you!" Maximilian begged, reaching out to grab Lincoln's legs. He shook them. They flopped like a cadaver's; they were just as lifeless as Lincoln appeared. He remained still, his face dark and cold.

"There can be only _one_." He growled.

"What?" Maximilian asked with a breathy sigh. His eyes widened and he let go of the man's legs.

Lincoln Broadsheet's biceps were bigger than your head. He was proud of that. They were the first things he looked at when he got dressed, the first things he bragged about to women.

They were the last things Maximilian would ever see; a neck like his was a toothpick.

The Player was sitting by the window. She saw it all. She popped a chocolate in her mouth. "Thank you, Lincoln, for all your help."

She selected the kiss option. He'd never know.


	2. Downloadable Content

Previously on 'Urbz: Sims in the City':

Makushimirian Mūa: Īe, R-Rinkān! Watashi no inochi wo tasukete kudasai…!

Rinkān Burōdoshīto: Omae wa mou shinderu.

Makushimirian Mūa: N-nani!?

* * *

The Player stretched out her legs. Her pet, named Dusty Hogg, snorted and rubbed his head against her thigh. "Hey Dusty." She said as she patted his head.

She stepped into the shower and washed the 2 day old urine off her body. Only washing her hands to keep her hygiene meter up had its drawbacks.

Taking Dusty along, it was time for a morning walk.

She yawned when she got outside. It was nice out, although the lingering smell of death still wafted through the nearby air. Her eyes trailed down the streak of blood left by Maximilian. She squinted; a white box with a green glowing exclamation point was hovering around the scene of the crime.

"Must be a new quest." She said to herself. Out from the shadows of the alley, the owner of the exclamation box was now visible. It was Giuseppi Mezzoalto. "Aye!" He called out to The Player, putting a single hand up to greet her.

"What's up?" She asked approaching him, selecting the option to start the quest. "You look lost."

"Ah, I'm looking for my stock." Giuseppi began, rubbing his stubbled chin with his gloved fingers. "What kind of stock? Furniture? Clothes? Electronics?" The Player asked.

"Nah, nah. Limbs." Giuseppi lit a cigarette and looked at her exotic pet.

The Player tilted her head. "Lambs?"

Giuseppi frowned, offended. "No way. What would I do with farm animals? Who do I look like, _Hayseed_?" He puffed his cigarette, white clouds forced out through his nose. "_Limbs_. I'm selling them on the black market."

The Player became enthusiastic. "Maybe you can find them at the hospital. I'll check for you!"

Giuseppi began to laugh, harder and harder. He keeled over, hollering in laughter. The laughing turned to coughing as he accidentally swallowed his cigarette. "-ack-!" His face became blue and he reached his hand out in the air pleading for medical aid.

The Player began to squeeze him; the Heimlich maneuver was mastered by her. "You're lucky I'm a head surgeon in my job now. That means I can save lives." She whispered into his ear, licking his cheek, "You'd be dead if I wasn't." Nervous sweat dripped down Giuseppi's face.

He got up and adjusted his hat, becoming agitated in humiliation. "Well you'd better get ready for a lot of work, Miss Doctor;" he said in a snarky tone, "The limbs I'm lookin' for are Maximilian's."

The Player gasped. Giuseppi shrugged. "What? That bastard told me he was going to sell my organs. Heh, joke's on him!" He sighed. "But I left the body here for a day like a chump, and now it's gone. I need help to find it."

The Player nodded. "Will do!" A square of dialog appeared above them, words stating that a 'new goal' was added. Giuseppi grabbed his chest, jumped back and looked in the sky. "The _fuck_ wazzat?"

The Player hopped around, oblivious. "Come on Hogg, let's look for Maximilian!"

The two of them began their journey. Wherever a yellow arrow appeared, she dug around. Most of them left her at worst empty handed and at best with a used condom in her inventory.

However, Dusty Hogg became agitated. "What's up, boy?" The Player followed him. It led her to an abandoned school bus. Inside, it reeked of baked piss and the air was thick with marijuana smoke. "Hello?..." She approached a hunched over green torso wearing a stained olive beanie. It seemed familiar.

She reached out her hand and tapped the man's shoulder. He jumped from one end of the bus to another, then he twisted his head to face her. The Player hollered in shock.

It was Mel Odious. "I thought I recognised that smell!" She relaxed and waved at him. Before she left SimValley, her friendship with his was quite high.

"Not cool, man." His words were slurred by clots of blood and spit, hanging from his chin. "What brings you to Miniopolis City, ya country bumpkin?" She asked playfully.

He crawled closer to her, licking his lips. He had no intent of answering her question. "Man, you gonna eat that?" He nudged his head toward Dusty Hogg. "God no, he's my pet!" She stepped in front of Hogg. "Aww, bummer." Mel wiped his face.

"Is that…a human arm?" The Player asked, pointing to the crumbled, mangled corpse at the far end of the bus. "What's it to you?" Mel hopped on a bus seat and picked at a hole in it.

"I need that! That's Maximilian, isn't it!" The Player snapped.

Mel screeched. "_Reee_! Do you know how long I've haven't eaten meat!? I can't keep this vegan charade up anymore! I crave meat, man! I _crave_ it!" He jumped onto the body and ripped into Max's neck. Bubbling growls came from the tear as the hippie chowed down.

Slowly, The Player backed up and out of the bus. How was she going to get that body back before it was nothing but bones?

The Player was at a loss. "I hate it when I have to look up walkthroughs." She said to Hogg. With him behind her, she headed to the only computer she could get away with using in town.

The Player made her way to the Miniporisu Kuronikuru. Upon entering, she noticed Lincoln was not working on his computer. She looked up the ramps and saw him parked in front of a window. "Lincoln?" She walked up the ramp and approached him with care. She noticed the white box with the green exclamation point above him; he needed something.

He was rather gloomy, seemingly deep in thought. He rubbed his head in a pensive manner. "Player," he spoke firmly, his throat dry and raspy, "If I get hit by a car, do I call a doctor or a mechanic?"

There was a silence before the 'new goal' message appeared above The Player.

She blinked and looked at her options. "Well, you kind of killed the only doctor in town so…a mechanic?" Lincoln spun around, back to life. "Ah! Thank you!" He said. "That was bothering me for days."

"You're welcome!" The Player smiled. The 'goal complete!' message came up above them. Lincoln looked up at it for a while.

"Oh! I have something for you!" The Player selected the 'give gift' option and reached into her inventory. She had the 3 used condoms she had found earlier.

"No thanks," He looked back down and rejected them with a frown, "My office is cluttered enough, as is."

"Oh, ok." She said, eyeing the pile of used rubbers in the corner of his room.

"Say, can I use your computer?" The Player asked when the question became available. "I need to use a walkthrough." Lincoln shook his head. "I don't know…didn't we cover the lesson of not cheating a few days ago?" The player thought for a second. "Well, I just answered your question and completed a quest. Now I can ask you for help. Isn't that like part of an even bigger quest?"

Lincoln gave her a blank expression. "I can't argue with that." Thank god for 8 logic and 9 charisma.

The Player crawled into his lap. She hit the flirt option and cupped his groin. He didn't react. "Get ready!" He drove furiously down the ramps to the bottom-most floor of his work space. As they reached the end, The Player leapt out dramatically and rolled toward the computer.

Lincoln couldn't stop and continued to roll through the doors outside.

The Player turned the computer on and began to search for the walkthrough. She looked at the open browser's contents. "Bah, I don't want to learn coding." She muttered, closing Lincoln's tabs. She reopened the internet browser. "I think I'll download the walkthrough for easy future access." That felt like a smart idea.

When she found it, she was unable to download it. She squinted at the message on screen. "Ugh, not enough space left on the computer?" She minimized the tab. "Time to make some free space." She opened a few folders on the desktop. The cursor skimmed around a few items before hovering over on a larger document. "This one's pretty big." My _Daughter's 3rd Birthday .MP4_, it read.

She dragged it to the recycle bin and hit empty. "Ah, that was big enough. There we go." A blue bar appeared above her head as she read the downloaded walkthrough.

"It appears I have to trade Mel some rare meat for the body." She scrolled down the document. The blue bar never fully filled up; she didn't want any spoilers. "Well that shouldn't be too hard." She shut off the computer, unplugging it and packing it into a box.

She left the Miniopolis Chronicle. "Rare meat. So I guess it has to be basically raw?" She grinned to herself. "I'm sure the Bayou has some fresh wildlife!" She hopped on Dusty Hogg and they trotted toward the Bayou.

"Hey!" She was greeted by Ewan S.W.A.T.A.W.A.T.A.T.A.A. outside, waving. The Player didn't respond; she ain't got no time for dat. Ewan shed a tear at her emotional abuse.

* * *

The Bayou was always so dark and mysterious. It also smelled like Olde Salty's breath on a good day. Dusty swam through the muck like a champ. He was trained well! The Player kept an eye out for any delicious animals.

From the corner of her eye, a red blur leapt from tree to tree. She flinched when it fell in front of them. "I'm gay!" A thin man in shit-stained red long johns announced once he landed. The Player grew enraged, a familiarity in her over-reactive response. "Bah! The Red Man! Leave me alone!" She balled her fists to appear tough. Her body stat was way too low to fight, however.

"Boss! Gimme the pussay, b-boss!" The Red Man stuttered nearly incoherently, his eyes half shut and his lips partly pursed. His tongue flicked about.

"No! Shoo, fly! No one wants you here!" The Player selected the intimidate option. She reached into the mud to pull out something to throw at him. He began to scream, playing his violin as he did so.

"_Die_!" The Player hollered. "Boss! Pl-please Boss!" The Red Man was on the ground, thrusting the air.

She looked at her hand; she hadn't thrown anything.

"Them powers of Christ and Jesus compel you, vampire!" A tall, large hillbilly emerged from the swampy waters behind The Player and Dusty, towering over them. The Red Man kept screaming, his echoing voice making critters bob in the water. A white flame engulfed his body, and he was gone.

"Ya'll okay? Them vampires can be a real nuisance." Crawdad Clem lifted the Player up and gave her a hug. Her hygiene meter dropped to empty as thick mud oozed on her body.

He put her on the ground. "Golly, what are ya doin' here? And ya smell. Come." Without giving her time to respond, Clem dragged The Player and Dusty through the Bayou to their shack. A frightening silence lasted the entire journey, rocks and sharp sticks jabbing into the two. Luckily this game had no HP bar.

"Ya'll came here at the perfect time!" Clem announced with a sort of pride when they arrived. "We is havin' dinner an it's great ta have guests!" He grinned ear to ear. His grin faded, however, when he saw his brother sobbing near the grill outside.

"Bayou Boo! Why them girly tears, ya queer?" Clem rudely barked. Boo turned his head, tears streaming from his face like a little girl. "I ain't got no ingredients! It done run away!" A white box with that green exclamation point was above his head.

The Player gracefully slid forward. "I can help you find or make something." She knew she was on some kind of right track. At least cooking was easy for her now that she had maxed out that stat cooking up meth with Darius. "But I need a shower and to toss these away first." She pulled out the used condoms.

Boo's eyes lit up. "Get rid of _thems_?" He bolted up and charged at The Player. She winced, dropping the condoms. "Clem! Look! It's oysters!"

Clem approached his brother. "Fancy city foods!" Boo collected the condoms and headed toward the shack. "Gonna have a soup~!" he sung, going to dig for the right pot. The Player tilted her head as her hunger meter almost glitched out of existence.

After her shower, The Player sat on a bale of hay. Dusty Hogg lay asleep at the foot of the hay bed, his legs kicking about as he dreamed. "He must have been exhausted." The Player tapped him with her foot gently.

"Hey Clem," She began, chewing on a stalk of grass, "I'm looking for some rare meat. Do you know where I can get some?"

"Oh I gots just the thang!" Clem headed toward a jar he kept near his bed. "This here's the rarest Pepe." He handed a three eyed frog to The Player. "I think the quest means raw meat." She looked at Clem's face. He stared at her, each eye looking into another direction. The Player shrugged.

"I have to go now, sorry Clem." She selected the apologize option. "I am on a big quest, you see." Clem frowned and rubbed his head. "Aww, that's a darn shame. Before ya go, have some dinner." A bowl of _oyster soup_ was now in her inventory. Sadly, she was the only person who could not reject a gift.

* * *

Once back in town, The Player rushed so quickly to find Mel Odious that her pet was 2 screens behind.

"Mel!" She yelled, panting between words, "I have some rare meat for you!" Mel turned from his meal and crawled toward the player. She pulled out the three-eyed frog.

Mel grew closer, clenching his teeth in sheer excitement. Once he got close enough, the frog jumped out and fled.

"What? No!" The Player tried to catch it, but it had run out of the bus. Her shoulders slumped. Suddenly, she was aggressively pushed to the side of the bus. "Give it to me!" Mel crawled behind the frog, trying to catch it. "Asshole." She muttered.

When he was off the bus, the player found her chance. She approached Maximilian's corpse and shoved it into her pockets. He fit right on top of that couch in there. "Now we can give this to Giuseppi and finish this goal, Dusty!" She exited the bus, scanning the streets for Giuseppi.

She eventually found him, lying right where he was when the quest started. Easy.

"Hey! I have your stock!" The Player yelled. Giuseppi opened his eyes and got up, reeking of booze. "Aye! Thanks a million!" He chuckled. The player selected the pun option. "A MAX-a-million?" She joked, nudging him a few times, "Eh? Eh?"

Giuseppi teleported behind the player. "Anata no shi ga kuru toki ga kita."

The familiar sound of Det. Dan D. Mann rang out in the distance, to The Player's relief. "Wee woo! Wee woo!" It was time for round two, Electric Boogaloo.

"Oi vey!" said Jewseppi, "I gotta get outta heah!" He tried to escape, somehow seeming more afraid than his previous encounter with justice.

Dan yelled into his megaphone as Giuseppi tried to flee. "That's right! You can't run, you criminal! This time I'm driving my Lincoln!" Dan laughed with a menacing confidence. He was in Broadsheet's lap, who was racing ahead. Those were _some_ biceps.

Lincoln hit the brakes, launching Dan D. Mann toward Giuseppi like a torpedo. Flames took over his body and he crashed into Giuseppi.

A mushroom cloud explosion was visible from outer space.

When the debris settled, The Player coughed and waved the smoke away. In the middle of ground zero, two bodies were wresting a little. "You're under arrest!" Dan had Giuseppi pinned and cuffed. "No more illegal sales around this town! 'Reformed criminal' my left, sterile nut!" He pulled Giuseppi up, and walked him off to jail. Giuseppi was laughing at Dan's impotent genitals, once again to the point of choking.

"That's a job well done, I think." Lincoln kindly spoke as he rolled beside the player. He flashed her a sweet smile. "So, did the walkthrough help?"

"I think so." The Player said with some uncertainty. "Although I always feel like this game is hacked." She checked her bare wrist to see the time. "Come on, Hogg. Let's go home. It's almost your feeding time." The Player called to her pet.

"Ah no way, man." Dusty Hogg stood up and put on his sunglasses. He selected the complain option. "I've had enough of being your roommate. This shit _sucks_." He rubbed sludge off his leather jacket. "I'm moving the hell outta here. Go ask someone else to live with you." He adjusted his bandanna. "You seem to like_ that_ guy." He pointed at Lincoln and stormed toward the bike shop, grumbling.

The Player turned her head to Lincoln and selected the move in option. She'd give it a try. "Do you want to move in with me?" She asked shyly.

Lincoln's face turned dark. "Brother," he began in a deep, rich voice, "I need the _rämps_."

A dialogue box appeared above the skies, and the words 'New Goal!' flashed brightly within it.


	3. I are Nerdie (parte GBA)

Dr. Maximilian Moore slid across the kitchen floor. He hit the fridge with a hard slam, his limbs flopping on impact like a rag doll.

"Nah. Not _there_." The Player approached the corpse, and selected the option to move it.

She directed it toward an arcade machine she owned. The body leaned against it. She shrugged. "Eh, I guess you look cool there."

The Player slumped on the floor. She shifted uncomfortably before furrowing her brow and rolling her eyes. From her pocket, she took out her big couch.

She jumped on it, lying down to sleep. She kicked her legs around in a mild frustration. She followed the streaks of dried blood that marked Maximilian's travels around her home. Even if it was boring, she couldn't rest. Her sleep meter was full, her hunger and hygiene meters were full. The initial fun of dragging and posing her former boss filled her entertainment meter but one motive was still left dry: _Socialising._

She had no roommate; she missed Dusty Hogg. She looked at his stained old bed, her socialising meter dropping below levels programmed to be possible.

In a start, she jumped when her phone rang. She got up to answer it. "Hello?" The clucking of hens filled her ear from the other end. "_Hello_?" She repeated.

"Hello?" She got a muffled response. "I'm sorry, the new wife's been henpecking me." It was Uncle Hayseed. He had selected the pun option. The Player chose to ignore that.

"Uncle?" She spoke. "What's up?"

"I should ask you!" He replied, "But since you've asked first, nothing much. There's been a small outbreak of the bird flu here." There was a brief silence between them. Hayseed screamed, breaking it. "But it wasn't me so _stop asking_!" He panted and swallowed. "As you may know, the only doctor in our town left us so residents are dying."

"Oh, no! Who's dead?" The Player spoke quickly. "Not Duane Doldrum the Rock Johnson! The mad lad had an underwear modeling career!"

Hayseed scoffed. "I never said _people _are dying. So far, only Vernon Peeve kicked the ol' bucket." Hayseed explained with harshness in his tone. "Oh, thank all that is holy." The Player sighed.

"So," Hayseed simply changed the subject, "How are you? You better have a job and money and a home and a roommate, you alien retard. I'm come-"

"I have all of those, Uncle, _God_!" The Player angrily interrupted and slammed the phone, hanging up.

She stormed to her couch; that barely got her socialising up. Her friendship with Uncle Hayseed never seemed to rise above -50. It did make her think, though. She did have all those things but a roommate. She knew who she wanted, yet for the past few days she had been dragging her ass. It was itchy with a rash from the Bayou.

She stared at the phone for a few moments, then got back up. She started her daily clearing of several messages from Daschell Swank. Some were enraged and drunk, others tearful and finally just the sound of hanging up. Finally, there was the weekly threatening message from Polly Nomial. It was usually something about being molecularly fused with shit, stitched to 2 people and be at the end to eat their shit, or sent to some planet made of shit.

The Player hated this goal's actions. While she didn't really know where to get a ramp, it was another action in particular had her truly stumped. She had to join the Nerdies. This was the one part holding her back. She was a Streetie and even then barely so. There were loads of missed calls from some guy named Ewan.

Her goal had three actions within it. The first one, befriend Lincoln, was completed before the goal was even unlocked. She dialled his number; she needed him now. After a few rings, he picked up. "Hello!" When Lincoln answered, she didn't hesitate to speak. "Lincoln, I need your help again. I… need to join the Nerdies." Lincoln laughed. "_Still_ haven't done so? I'll be right over."

Within a few minutes, there was a faint holler at her door. She got up and answered it. Upon opening it, she was greeted by a stairway going down with Lincoln at the bottom. He sat there, head cocked.

"Oh," the Player realised, placing a hand to her lips. Lincoln shook his hands. "It's okay, it's okay," He quickly reassured The Player. He moved toward the stairs.

Once his wheel touched the first step, Lincoln's chair tipped forward. He was lunged up the steps and his face hit the cement. "Uwahhh"! Lincoln selected the cry option. He clung to the steps, his legs dangling like string. He attempted to get up, only to slowly keep falling. "Uwahh!"

"Oh my god!" The Player raced down the steps to his aid. She tried to lift him; she was too weak to hoist his frame. "_Uwha ahaaahah_!" Lincoln slid from her grasp, sobbing a little too dramatically. He slowly rolled down the stairs. His distressed sobs rang out, making some people stop and look. The Player flapped her hands around in a panic. "Oh no, oh no, oh no!"

Suddenly, Lincoln rolled his eyes and stopped crying. "See? That is why I can't come over."

Without any effort, he grabbed his chair and pushed it back up on the road. He pulled himself up and sat. He adjusted his tie.

The Player snapped. "What the _fuck_, dude?"

Lincoln crossed his arms. "I know you've been stalling with this goal. Player, I'm ready to move in with you but you gotta get over this fear of Polly Nomial!" The Player sighed. "She _hates _me, Lincoln. I'm some kind of demonic rival blocking her from Daschell. I keep getting harsh messages from her!"

Lincoln softened his gaze. "She's a testy one, she is. Wrong her once and you're no better than Satan in her books." He looked at the open door, eyeing Max's frame against the arcade cabinet. "You know, Maximilian was no longer a Nerdie." The Player's eyes widened.

Lincoln continued, "He said he was going to join the Richies," He frowned, sighing, "And something about not wanting to associate with adult virgins."

"But you have a _daughter_!" The Player spoke up.

"That's what I told him!" Lincoln turned around, his chair's back facing The Player. "He just yelled at me that I didn't really have MS and tipped me over." He motioned to leave. "Player, you'll find a way. You have a high creative stat. _Use_ it." He gave her a gentle smile and rolled away.

The Player took his words to bed. She looked up at the ceiling; she'd come up with something in the morning. She selected Maximilian's body and dragged it on her bed. It rested beside her, and she manipulated a rotted arm over her shoulders. Her hygiene meter dropped, but at least it kept her socialising meter up.

She looked over at Maximilian. She grinned and gently patted his cheek. She had her idea.

* * *

"Excuse me, you can notta sit heru. This space is for mai waifu." A favourite hangout spot of the Nerdies, The Café Multiplaya was for the obese, greasy untouchables that had been rejected by society, much like the man speaking. Futo Otaku Maki pulled his chair in closer. The cushion printed with a nude cartoon woman seemed to melt into the seat, dampened with a mixture of sadness and body fluids.

"Max! Over here!" A female voice playfully called out. It came from Sue Pirnova. Maximilian wobbled over with a jerky care. He waved to her, his arm bending in places not physically possible. The Player had to act natural, shuffling behind the corpse as though it was a huge puppet.

At the table was Lincoln and Sue. A delicate spread of Doritos, ramen packets and boxes of Pocky were neatly placed at the center. Sue Pirnova was the prettiest living woman, if not the only one, inside the Café. Come to think of it, most of the Nerdies were actually fairly conventionally attractive, except for one.

The automatic doors opened at the café. Arms out like an old whore and the knock kneed legs of a drunk flamingo, the figure entering shuffled as though they opened only for her. Sue became quiet, sitting into her chair as though it was a rule.

"Greetings, my boyfriends." The filthy Polly Nomial said as she stood in front of a chair. Lincoln backed up behind her and attempted to pull the chair for her. He got a little stuck. Polly rolled her eyes at his incompetence.

The Player moved Max and tugged at the chair, pulling it out. "Thank you." She looked at Max. "Someone's come crawling back?" Once seated, she spread her legs; the stench made the ramen noodles boil in their packaging. Each leg was pointed at the two men. Following Lincoln's lead, The Player lowered Max down to her leg, an arm barely holding it up as it flopped about. In a slip, The Player dropped Max a little and his face slid down closer to her thigh. "Oh!" She giggled, giving the corpse a slap. The impact made a few teeth fall out of his decayed mouth.

Sue placed a hand to her face and picked up the teeth. "Gosh, Max, you dropped these." Polly hissed at her. "Who said you could talk, _slut whore_!" Veins threatened to burst from her neck. "One more word and it's the closet for you again!" Sue looked down.

The Player lifted Max up. She slid him into a chair, hiding behind it. This was going to be hard.

"So, my underlings, I have gathered you all here today to announce the results of our most recent scientific study." Polly cleared her throat and coughed, not covering her mouth. A thick loogie hit Sue in the eye. "Heh, still got it." Polly bragged aloud.

She pulled out a clipped pile of papers. "After 18 months of hard data gathering, several unwilling participants and dodging lawsuits, our research has come to the conclusion that _green_ is not art and _multiplication_ in not chemistry."

The Player took note of that for her next skill point. The group awed and clapped, so The Player did the same with Max. She pulled his arms together and apart, the hands missing each other every time. It made him seem quite enthusiastic.

"Oh, you like our findings, Maxie?" Polly giggled like a school girl, seemingly infatuated with the dead Doctor. Friendship points rose quickly with Polly this way. Whether they were between Polly and The Player or Max was debatable.

The lunch seemed to go well, most of the chatting coming from Polly with Lincoln a distant, but indisputable second. Max just sat there, brownish drool leaking from his mouth.

Polly stood up to conclude the meeting. "You are all dismissed. Remember, tell an Artsie they wasted their time in college!" She flashed the Vulcan salute. "Live long and prosper."

Sue and Lincoln flashed the Vulcan salute after Polly gave her signal. "Live long and prosper."

The Player manipulated his fingers to make the salute. Polly beamed. "Max! You've done it the right way! I'm so happy with your efforts." She rubbed his thigh. Orange Dorito dust stained his scrubs. "See? It's not hard to give us the five finger salute instead of the one finger salute."

That seemed to be the final push. A friendship level now at 90, Polly became rather sweaty. "E-everyone, I'm pleased to announce that I am _more _than willing to a-accept Maximilian into the Nerdies o-once again."

Lincoln glanced down at the crouching player. He gave her a thumbs up before wheeling away. Sue got up last, again as if instructed. "See you later, Max. It's good to have you back." She timidly smiled, her eye red and puffy. She was suddenly aggressively shoved over by Polly, hitting her head against a table corner.

Polly got close to Max. "You stay with me," she spoke smoothly, "I have a special initiation just for _you_." She took Max by the hand, dragging him outside the Café. The Player nearly tripped over Sue's unconscious body.

"Take me to your place." Polly moaned when they got outside. The Player had no idea where Max lived. So, she went to the only place she saw him regularly.

* * *

"There you are, Dr. Moore!" Harlan King was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital. He stood up and approached the doctor, shaking his limp arm. "I came for my heart medication. You weren't around for a while; I'm ever so glad you've returned."

Polly scoffed and crossed her arms. "Hospital's closed."

Harlan began to panic. "What? I've gone a week without them! If I don't take them soon I'll surely _die_!" Polly appeared unamused. "I'm a genius, Mr. King. I know all about space, technology and the human body. I also know that _my_ body is about to get some woohoo and _your_ body is in the way." She pushed Harlan toward the exit. The man fought back weakly, grabbing at the doors. "Dr. Moore! _Please!_" He begged, reaching out, "_I need_ my pills!" One good kick had the old man rolling on the ground and outside. The Player began to feel sick.

Polly went toward the radio and turned it on; it was a tune The Player knew all too well. A smooth, seductive disco piece filled the room. Memories of Daschell Swank's artistic foreplay dances haunted her, worsening her nausea.

Polly fell on the waiting room couch. "Do you have protection?"

The Player gulped. She went into her inventory and pulled out the bowl of _oyster soup_. Fighting back gags, she pinched out the condom that floated in the center. She placed it into Max's cold hand, and put it into his pants. She wanted to flee.

"Oh, just _take_ me now, Doctor!" Polly jumped up and grabbed the man from The Player's grasp. The two bodies landed on the floor. To the Player's horror, Max became violently shaken in a display that could have been woohoo if one squinted. The Player dodged clothes, rotted flesh and unknown fluids before running outside of the hospital.

Successfully confusing the game's code, a message appeared above her, stating that the action was complete.

Falling to her knees, she heaved.

She panted, rubbing her mouth. A shadow crept over her; the sounds of metal made her look up.

"You know that's illegal." Detective Dan. D. Mann softly spoke. He twirled a pair of handcuffs, giving the player a frown. The Player's shoulders slumped and she tried to explain. "I'm sorry, Dan. It was the only way to finish my goal."

Dan's eyebrow rose. "_Puking_?" He pulled the Player up and cuffed her. "That's an odd requirement." The Player sighed. "No, not that. Look, I have the 100 simoleons. Can I just pay you now? I'm on a quest and-"

Dan cut her off. "Oh, no, no. That's the penalty for just _urinating_ in the street. You threw up. It's _much_ worse." Dan shrugged. "It was Daddy Bigbuck's law; he wanted to put an end to Luthor's public drunken displays, so the fee is quite high."

The Player's eyes widened. "_What_?"

As she was escorted to jail, they passed by Olde Salty. He was squatting in a small bird fountain with his pants down. Dan perked up and waved at him. "Hey, Old Salt! Leavin' kids off at the pool?"

Olde Salty "yar-har'd" and mumbled incoherently, winking and giving them a thumbs up.

The Player hated this game.


	4. I are Nerdie (Parte DSi)

The bars slammed behind her. The jail cell smelled musky and mildew filled each corner.

Dan's voice echoed from the other side. "It's either you pay 10,000 Simoleons now or stay here for a few days." He frowned with sympathy, continuing as though he already knew The Player's answer. "At least you won't be alone."

The Player sighed and took out her couch, slumping into it. She felt a presence getting closer. The cushion to her left seemed to sink; she turned to see Giuseppi Mezzoalto seated beside her. He leaned against the arm of the couch. "Piss on the ground again?"

The Player shook her head and cupped her chin into her hands. "I vomited."

Giuseppi nearly fell from his seat. "_Shit_."

The Player glanced at him briefly, "No, it means I threw up."

Giuseppi cocked his head and blinked. "Y-you know you're going to be here a while." He pinched and rubbed his thumb to his fingers to signify cash. "Unless ya got, like, thousands of 'moleons."

The Player huffed. "Giuseppi, it sucks. I was _this _close to moving in with Lincoln. I just need a ramp." She kicked the air aggressively. "And now I'm stuck in _here_!"

Giuseppi placed a gloved hand on her leg to stop her. He pacified her with his soft voice. "Ya really like that guy, eh?" He cleared his throat and lit a cigarette. "Well, I doubt he's going to just hate 'cha tomorrow. And look, when you're out, I'll help ya install that ramp." He puffed smoke from his nose. "My thanks for helping me out before." He winked and offered The Player a cigarette. She shook her head to deny it but it remained in her inventory.

Giuseppi looked at his suddenly empty hand. "C-can I have that back?..."

"Player." Dan. D. Mann spoke up as he approached the bars. "I can let you make a call-" His gentle expression turned peeved when he saw Giuseppi leaning on the arm of the couch, giving Dan two 'rude gestures'. His voice flattened as he continued, "If you need help."

The Player jumped up. "Oh, thanks! Yes, I'd like to." She thought of a few people. Lincoln was helping her a lot; she'd best not bother him. Daschell would pay himself bankrupt for her but she'd have to return the favour.

She was escorted out of the cell. She had but one choice; she dialled her uncle.

"Call me again at a time like this and I will hunt you down with my shotgun and blow your ass away!" Unfortunately, she was greeted with the answering machine message.

After the beep, she left her message. "Uncle, I'm in jail and need some money. Thanks man!" She hung up. Dan smiled and nodded and lead her back inside the cell.

* * *

The player had fallen asleep on the couch, leaning against her snoring cellmate. A few weak slaps to her face woke her up. "Whaa?"

"When you said you had a home, I knew it wouldn't be another mansion. Why're you even in here?" It was Uncle Hayseed.

The Player muttered in a groggy annoyance. "I threw up."

Hayseed lifted his arms. "You're not even a_ real_ criminal! You can't even wind up in jail right!" He slapped her with one of his soiled garden gloves. "Don't worry, I paid your bail, shithead."

Hayseed looked at Giuseppi who was sleeping like a rock. His head hung over the back of couch, his mouth wide open. He grabbed the sleepy Giuseppi and slapped him around like a total bitch.

"And is _this_ your roommate?" Giuseppi shook his head, half asleep. "Poppa, is that you?" He rubbed the sides of his open mouth. The sight of Hayseed fully woke him and his eyes widened.

"Oh, yo man, _back_ off!" Giuseppi bolted up and offensively pushed Hayseed away.

"You went with _this _Spanish retard?" Hayseed picked up some jail food and threw it at Giuseppi. The criminal shielded himself and backed into a corner. "Piss off, you psycho!"

The Player jumped around her uncle, tugging at him. "No, he's not my roommate! Uncle, leave him alone! Let's go to my _real_ place!"

Hayseed pulled away from his niece. "I guess I gotta pick up where we left off."

He lifted Giuseppi and crammed him through the barred cell window. He was slowly forced outside like the last bit of toothpaste from its tube. Dan caught wind of this action and ran into the cell. "Hey!" he snapped. "I said _hey_!" He put a hand on Hayseed's shoulder and tensed. "_Don't _leave me out of this!" He nudged beside Hayseed and aided in his shoving.

The Player screeched. "Uncle! Stop embarrassing me!" She rolled her eyes and exited the jail cell. "_God_! I hate you!" She yelled as she left, her voice being drowned out by Giuseppi's painful screaming.

* * *

The Player was quite ahead of her uncle. She angrily kicked a few piles of trash along the way. As her home became visible in the distance, she stopped. The street vendor who hung around was playing with himself and tugging at female passersby. He was up to his daytime shenanigans; Uncle Hayseed would embarrass with this for sure.

She had to act fast. As of late that seemed to be her skill. She kept wandering around until she made it to Glasstown. Her Uncle caught up with her. "How far _is_ this place?" He said between faint pants. The Player didn't waste time. She immediately barged into King Tower. "Up…up here…" She muttered as she went into the elevator.

They stayed on until it reached the top. Her Uncle remained cross armed and silent, chewing on a blade of dry grass in an unimpressed fashion.

When she got to the top floor, The Player slowed down. "Um, oh, I think I lost my…key…" The Player pretended to fumble about.

Uncle Hayseed rolled his eyes. He kicked down the door. "You're _welcome_."

Inside of the penthouse, it was gorgeous.

Uncle Hayseed eyed the home as he wandered around. He slid a finger around the rim of the toilet, giving it a taste. "Golden shitter. Nice."

He opened the equally fancy fridge. Taking out a snack, he walked back into the living room. "You know, not bad," he said between chews, "This place is ideal, if not perfect. Have a house warming gift from me."

Inside the player's inventory was a chicken. "Now you have two roommates." Hayseed sat down on a fancy recliner and let one rip. "This spot is mine." He leaned back, lowered his hat and relaxed. "I'll wait here for your roommate. Then I can grill him." He chuckled and marked his territory with flatulence once more.

The Player rolled her eyes. "Um, I'll just call him over." She walked to the phone and dialed Lincoln's number.

"Miniporisu Kuronikuru. Rinkān Burōdoshīto hanasu. How may I help you, desu?" He replied curiously after a few rings. The Player moved the phone down and turned to her Uncle. "He says he's busy and you should just go since I've shown you my place, so go away."

There was a confused murmuring coming from Lincoln's end. Uncle Hayseed stood up and approached the player with heavy, lazy footsteps. Grunting once, he tore the receiver from her grasp. She clawed at him and he just shoved her out of the way.

"_Uncle_!" She snapped and stormed toward a balcony. Outside, she grabbed the railing so tightly her fingers turned white.

She screamed in frustration.

Below her, saxophone music stopped blaring. "Shut the _hell_ up!" Canonball Coleman shouted up at The Player. "Damn, you so loud!" He shook his head and continued to play right into Pritchard Locksley's ear.

Back inside, The Player was greeted by another body at the entrance. "Jesus, I didn't know you were into cyborgs." Hayseed raised his eyebrows at the guest he'd invited.

Lincoln was at the apartment door. "Wow, Player. What a place! I love it!" He wheeled in. "I made a few calls like your uncle asked."

The Player pulled at her hair. "_What_?!" Her panicked behaviour made the chicken run out of her pockets. It pecked around and shit wherever it went. Lincoln watched it. "That makes two of us."

Hayseed nudged her. "A housewarming party."

The doorbell rang; The Player moaned in horror.

* * *

"Fuuuck, lookit this place." Giuseppi began as he wandered the place. He inspected various decorations. "Even the ashtray is from some fancy Ikea European brand." He picked it up and nodded, impressed. He read what was engraved across it. "_Babushka_." He lifted the lid and tapped the ashes off his cigarette inside.

Wine in hand, Daschell came in soon after; he seemed less stressed than usual.

That was probably because behind him was Polly Nomial, with her beaux, Maximilian Moore. The Player winced.

The clangs of glass made her dash into the kitchen area. "Look at all these blenders. _Shit_." Hayseed opened cupboards and browsed. "Why so barren? You'd think there'd be ingredients to mix." The Player pointed at a counter. "I see fruit over there." She shook her head, "I mean, anyway, get_ out of here!_"

Uncle Hayseed kept slamming drawers. "No, no. Beer. Whiskey. Alcohol. You know, _ingredients_." He reached into his pocket and pulled out a flask. "Don't worry. Uncle H. brought us some moonshine."

"Moonshine?" Crawdad Clem peeped inside. The Player jumped. "Who else is here?!" She nearly tripped rushing into a living room being used to its maximum. A techno beat jived from the stereo set.

Her jaw nearly dropped.

Polly was dancing with her decaying date; Bayou Boo was dancing with the chicken.

At a round table were a few more seated guests. Daschell sipped wine with Giuseppi, Phoebe Twiddle and Sue Pirnova. Giuseppi held his glass like a brute before correcting himself. "Pinky out." He then chugged the entire glass.

"So, Daschell told me there was a party?" Duane Doldrum smoothly waltzed in the now open door, giving a few females a scan. With him were guests of his own from SimValley, Mel Odious and Vera Vex. "Can't have a party without some _poontang_." Duane glanced at Sue.

Mistaking the look to be directed at her, Polly dropped Max like a bag of shit.

The Player's face grew red. Her hands trembled, ceasing when she was shoved to the side. "I got some real poison to drink." Hayseed pushed a bowl of spiked reddish juice onto the table, knocking the wine over and purposefully onto Daschell's suit. He stood up and groaned. Hayseed laughed. "Now you're _extra_ fruity." He grabbed Phoebe and the two made out with tongues.

Vera stopped playing with her guitar. She turned off the music. "Hey, there's a violin. Let's practice some Wiccan shit," Vera said to the group.

Lincoln piped up, "C-can you make me walk again?" Vera didn't look up. "Hell no. But I can raise the dead."

She motioned for Hayseed to give her Maximilian. He was placed on the circle much to Polly's indifference.

"I always come prepared." Phoebe placed candles around him and lit them carefully.

Daschell came out from the bedroom, dressed in a clean bee costume. He whispered to Duane. "What's going on?" Duane muttered something desperately, muffled by the restricting hands of Polly. Daschell then turned and whispered to The Player. "Can I have you back now?" She glared at him. He paused. "Then can I keep this costume?"

Vera grabbed the wandering chicken and broke its neck, letting the blood drip on Maximilian. She began to chant. At first it was quite calm, until she hit her ritual's climax. "Gimme the pussay- b-boss!" She licked her lips and kept her eyes blinking.

"She's speaking in tongues!" Bayou Boo yelled in fear.

Vera took the violin and started to play it, screaming.

Suddenly, she was knocked unconscious. "Thems Devil words are scary." Boo admitted, lampshade in hand.

"Well that was fucking lame." Hayseed dragged Max and tossed him legs first in the trash compactor.

The Player had it up to here. She began to march up to her uncle. This ended _now_.

"This is a real cool party, Player," Lincoln approached her, speaking sweetly. It stopped her in her tracks. For a moment, she felt a little happy seeing him like that.

Until she looked down and saw Mel chewing on his legs.

Suddenly, there was a kick at the door as it flew open. Everyone's head whipped at the newest party guest. "Get _the fuck_ out of my house!" Jack I. Deal hollered, clenching his fists.

The Sims scrambled out of the place, some rushing past Jack, others crawling out of windows.

Jack stomped toward The Player, his teeth grinding in rage. His toned muscles contracted, scaring the bathroom meter out of the Player.

Hayseed took her hair and pulled her out of the penthouse. She swatted at him as she was dragged off. "Ow, ow, ow…"

* * *

Jack looked at the mess in his apartment. With breathy swears, he began to clean up. Once he had enough to throw into the trash compactor, he opened it up.

Something reached up and grabbed at him. "_Errragh_!" Maximilian yelled in sheer agony.

A warm ooze leaked onto Jack's arm. He ripped his body away after heaving.

Max's hand flailed back; tendons and joints popping and snapping. He let out another blood curdling scream. "Uahhhgh! _Please_ kill me!"

Jack tore a lamp from the wall. Sparks flew from the socket. With tears in his eyes, he began to beat the doctor in the face repeatedly. The two made horrific noises until Max finally stopped moving.

* * *

"What the _hell_ were you doing, ya fucking mong! You think you could lie to me?!" Hayseed shouted at The Player in front of the day's guests. He shook her a little.

"Hey, shut up! So damn loud!" Coleman yelled from afar. Hayseed picked up a rock and threw it at him. A short, sour saxophone squeal followed the successful hit. He turned to face The Player again.

"I'll bet you _really_ do live in a jail cell! I spend so much on you and all you do is mooch, even off of _strangers_!" Hayseed lectured her, her eyes tearing up. Nothing was working for her. She just wanted to complete her goal, not have gone to jail, not be forced to throw a party, not any of this.

"No, no, I-"

"I _what_?" Hayseed barked. "Hmm? Tell me-"

"_I'm gonna do it_!"

The crowd looked up at the sudden yell across the skies.

A bald figure stood atop King Tower. The Player squinted; it was Luthor L. Bigbucks. He was wobbly and possibly drunk; the crowd gasped at his multiple near tumbles.

"Why won't my father love me? Luthor began to sing. "Craaawling iiinnn my skiiin, Doctor, why wooon't I hee-eal?"

The Player stepped ahead and slowly chanted, her words harsh and firm. "_Do it. Do it. Do it._" The crowd didn't hesitate to follow. "Do it! Do it! Do it!" Lincoln pulled out a small video camera. Hayseed watched his niece attentively.

Luthor continued his song, "So heeere is hooow I faaaall, show Faaather hooow I fee-eel!" As soon as he ended that part, his black frame dropped like a rock. The crowd cheered wildly.

"That'll show Bigbucks!" Lincoln wheeled toward The Player.

"I'm proud of you, kid." Hayseed nodded in approval.

Crawdad Clem lifted her up, and the crowd chanted her name. "_Player! Player! Player!_" Above the parade, a message stated that her action and goal were complete. Too swallowed by the praise and celebration, she never even noticed.

* * *

The next morning, The Player woke up to a knock on her door.

It was Ewan Watahmee and Giuseppi Mezzoalto.

"We're here to install a ramp," Ewan said, "Don't worry. It's free due to being mandatory."

The Player yawned. "What?"

"Yo, Luthor survived that fall." Giuseppi explained with amazement in his voice, "Since his kid's in a wheelchair now, every building must have a ramp. As promised, I'm here to help set you guys up."

The Player blinked a few times. "So that means…"

Giuseppi nodded and the two men parted. Behind them was Lincoln. He wheeled forward. "Player, I'm home."

* * *

The door to the mansion opened slowly. A butler welcomed the guest inside.

Footsteps echoed in the entrance hall, belonging to the one and only Daddy Bigbucks.

"It must be easier for your kind to move about." His voice broke the silence, filling the room.

"I suppose my thanks are in order." The journalist replied. His words took over the room once spoken.

Bigbucks merely frowned. "Mmm. Indeed." He rested his hand on the bulbous tip of his cane, squeezing occasionally. "Either way, Mr. Broadsheet, I must thank _you _and your cohorts for such a grand donation to my son."

Lincoln leaned into his chair. "The University felt such an invention was best suited for his situation." He glanced up the great staircase. There was a luxury ramp newly structured alongside it.

Bigbucks took a few steps back. "My staff will help you bring up the crates." He waved a dismissive hand before retreating into his study.

Another servant began to push Lincoln up the ramp, much to his surprise. He flinched internally and gave her a thankful nod.

Luthor's room was large yet felt so empty, even with each of the three crates filling it. He sat at a window, his back facing everyone else.

Neither spoke to each other as the crates were opened behind them.

Lincoln wheeled closer to Luthor. "Looks like there are now _two_ in town."

Luthor motioned for the servants to leave, rendering them alone. "I guess so." He turned around slowly, still uneasy with his new device.

He looked up, smirking. "Those for me?"

Lincoln's lifeless eyes pierced into Bigbuck's son. "There can be only _one_."

With a flick of a remote, the three robot butler monkeys' eyes lit up in a demonic crimson. Their heads rotated to focus on Luthor; each one simultaneously made a wide grin baring savage dentition.

The boy's snarky face fell, his own eyes shaking at the other paralysed man in front of him.

Lincoln backed up until he was at the entrance of Luthor's room, his tires ominously squeaking.

His lips mouthed a final word.

"_Unleash_."


End file.
